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Deviant for 11 Years
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To (t)him
you know I'm scared of truths.
"She's dead."
"But now, no more."
"Yesterday, I loved you."
"I can't do this anymore."
"You will get through this."
"Everyone leaves in the end."
"I'm not going to see you again."
"Don't look now, but everything is changing."
well, here's mine:
I still, feel. And I don't regret any of it.
we're friends. I was fully prepared
to go through life without you.
but you're here again, and I-
I do love and appreciate you.
it all rushes back
too sudden and too close
so forgive me for my
lack of warmth.
so, friends.
this is us. and...
I wouldn't have it
any other way.

you've got a dab of bright
blue paint on your nose,
and you're laughing.
let's freeze this moment-
(I want to cry.)
I'm painting this house with you,
and I'm thinking of other houses
with other rooms, in other states.
this could be us, in a decade
Ohio, New Mexico, anywhere-
paint-splattered and laughing.
today was a good day.
maybe the winds ar
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 1 1
there's not enough air left
when you are here, with me.
the walls are too close.
my heart squeezes,
and I am chastened.
that old familiar story-
so tell me everything
you want to hear, dear.
I will listen to you.
I cannot promise anything,
but I don't think I'll disappear
the way I did, then.
"what's wrong?" he asks.
"Your eyes are getting distant."
I'm scared of the future, again.
everything is moving too fast.
and between the world and you,
I hardly know what to do.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
Even Though
I feel the loss every night,
she whispers.
the bed is cold without her here.
you're in my dreams again,
all hot fingertips and warm eyes,
reaching briefly through thin air.
in a world that survived without her,
waking up was always a wonder.
how many more nights will it take?
(will you be here forever,
like the memories of her?
all entwined in my subconscious?)
that's just the way it used to be,
no reflection on the now.
and yet still-
I think someday we'll be together,
sharing a drink and discussing the weather,
and the memories will rise up, just the same.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 1 0
I want to feel
the surge of you
pressing towards me.
closer, and closer,
and closer still.
(so close I can
feel your heart
bury myself
in your bones &
accustom myself
to your heat.)
you pull me the way
the ocean does the land,
steady like sand particles
rushing over my skin.
I can't be in the same room as you
without us finding our way to each other.
eyes closed and fingertips outstretched,
and then we realize.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 3 0
some seeds can’t grow
unless a wildfire passes through,
spurring their germination.
and maybe that’s what your visit
did to me: the bitterest of realizations
one week after you leave.
in the midst of all the changes,
seeing an old friend ignited
things better left buried.
it caught me off-guard -
I'm off-kilter now,
as anyone can see.
but oh we talked it through
and oh, you thought it best,
and I did too.
because don't you know
I love him, and you her, and
we wouldn't want it any other way.
(but still sometimes,
maybe I'm a bit sad.
and that's the truth.)
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 1 0
I could have lived and died
in the space that echoed across your eyes.
and oh if only, the moment didn't hit so deep
and oh, if only the emotions could allow us to speak.
   "I'm so sorry"
       "does she treat you well?"
     "thank you for everything"
   "do you love her the way I love him?"
      "let me hold you, one last time"
    "despite it all, I still care"
      "will I see you again?"
         "hey, I miss you"
     "you matter."
it's been a year since I saw you last,
and this is what it comes to:
you can be in my life now, and
there's room for me in yours.
(the thought of her and the mention
of him does not cause pain anymore).
the silence doesn't need to drown us.
in the end, we're gonna be okay.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 2 1
the earth spins at one-thousand miles per hour,
inexorably moving us forward
it's been years...
it's kind of funny how things stick.
like dreams, and sensations,
and memories.
like the black hole of freshman year,
where academia started losing its luster
and nothing felt real - weeks and months
interspersed with stories, and a tenuous
connection that broke against the dawn.
and again, senior year
when I was bogged down by
an emotionally abusive relationship
and uncertainties about the future-
utterly convinced I was different.
it was enough of an impact
to alter how I saw something
as innocent as
the blaring neon
of a clock face,
reminding me it's
twelve minutes
to midnight,
or maybe noon-
honeysuckle and cicadas
calling me home
to dusty floorboards
and moth-eaten curtains,
to the place I could
never burn.
faded red couch.
porch light.
four-poster bed.
so many nights
spent here,
and yet still-
  tell me,
  did the intervening years
  treat you well?
  look how much
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 1 1
always look on the bright side of life. I hope you do.
I hope your life is just as vibrant as you made mine.
I left you holding onto our tomorrows
because I was a coward, because the distance
between me and you was too great, because
the last relationship left me dreading loving
anyone across state lines.
and though this was everything to me,
I could not look past my fear.
so when another man showed up,
you told me you’d understand if I
dated him, because he lived here.
and yet still, I-
still, I-
I wanted it all.
they say you know it’s over when you can vividly imagine
your former partner with someone else.
well let me be honest: I couldn’t look you
in the eye when you told me about her.
I had hoped I could pass it off as normalcy,
but you always had a way of looking past the bullshit.
late July, a phone call ended in tears
after I conveyed he and I had grown closer.
And you whispered it was going to be
pretty silent from here on out.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
Indiana Pt. 2
you once used to say my name
with all the bated breath of the future,
wishes and maybe dreams
just beyond the limits of
what we could safely talk about.
when we let go the idea
of togetherness,
I left, and you stayed.
now, if we court silence for too long,
the moment shifts into something unbearably heavy,
falling under our fingertips like gravity.
now, the ache is only bitter.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
How many thoughts can I press into your fingers?
How many secrets let slip between your lips?
How many nights spin into daylight, with you?
How many years did it take for a simple, "let's grab coffee"?
Looking back, I told you more than I remembered,
Remembered you more than I'd like to admit.
I let people know how I ignored the hell out of you
In high school - but ask anyone, and they'll tell you
I had nothing but fond words and fonder memories.
So six years down the line, there I was
Carting two heartbreaks from the past year
Only to find you, bearing that same charming smile.
I was worried my whole life story would spill out unbidden,
Cascade off my fingertips; startle you into running.
But you stayed, and we laughed, and I didn't want it to end.
A day, a week, a month. Two months, three-
I'll leave behind a lifetime just to come home to you.
So how much time do we have? How long can this last?
Let me whisper, 'always' and not be haunted by its echo.
Always. Always. This does
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
The truth is,
I'm still reeling from the damage.
I want to send you Texas skies,
Glittering pixels against the dark.
I want to tell you you're gonna be okay,
That the years will pass faster than you know
Then you'll be free to be whoever you want to...
I hope she treats you well.
We don't talk anymore, and maybe
If I'm truly honest with myself,
She's the reason why.
I miss you far more often than either of us thought I would
You still come up in conversation. And he told me the other day
My eyes still grow soft when I mention you. How could I know?
I want your life to be off-kilter. I want you to feel like
there's something missing, but you're not quite sure what.
I want you to have in the back of your brain the sense
that contentment just isn't reachable. Mediocrity.
That is your life. You cannot escape.
Some days, I hate you less than others. Those are rare.
If I knew it was safe to, I'd tell you the only enemy is yourself,
That life isn't as miserable as it seems
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 2
I’ll tell you, I’ve been lost more times than I can count
somewhere between tomorrow night and yesterday -
where seconds burn a bit too brightly,
and regret leaves bitter afterimages
on every memory.
But now and again,
you can string together love and forgiveness and relief
into something that tastes a bit like salvation,
riding on the heels of another merciless sunrise.
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 2
To Indiana
"Is there anything you want me to say? Is there anything you need to get off your chest?"
"I don't know."
That was a lie.
It wasn't until the first of this year I realized how irreplaceable you were to me. As I drove home, you talked me down from my utter despair at the memory of losing her, brought on by my friend crying in my arms about her dying father. Trapped by compassion, all I wanted was to leave -
April. I called you on the highway back to my hometown, shaky fingers and a shaky voice dissolving into tears as I told you he dumped me. All I remembered was how soothing the stream of words were, coming from the other end of the line.
A few days later, you were in my state again. I picked you up from my alma mater, sleep-deprivation causing my edges to blur. The next day, something shifted irrevocably. There wasn't enough time to realize the consequences. You were in the air twenty-four hours later, en route to Indiana.
I wanted you so much closer. And yet we danced around it, utte
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
Cedar. The crackle of alpine air
seeping into my lungs. The shift of snow,
squeaking against my shoes.
Animal tracks across the path.
A sky so deep I could look forever.
Pollen. Frogs buzzing at the edges
of backyards. Fruit crowding the branches
until they have no choice but to fall.
The trailing glow of fireflies against my palm.
Salt. The crunch of water grinding into the shore.
The shrillness of sea birds, past the waterline.
Billowy white clouds, pulling the sky into fragments.
The sun, when it hits, is blinding in its brilliance.
My skin is burning. My eyes flutter shut -
Despite my best efforts, quarantined inside my mind
in those sacred hours before dawn, I still find myself
dreaming. Though the faces change, my desires remain.
Here: have a house. It's got a lot of nooks and
crannies for an open floor plan. Rugs abound.
Sheer white curtains to let in the breeze
when the air conditioning isn't on. A wide porch,
rocking chairs, a tree with a tire swing.
A kitchen big enough to da
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
the last two months
heartbreak. you cannot eat for three days. nothing stays down. life is a haze of bedsheets, concerned text messages, and the refusal to mark the inexorable flow of time, moving you away from April 12, 2016, 7PM-
April 16th. you hold yourself up with the back of a wooden pew and hope against hope you don't collapse at the reception. you stutter out a few words to the widow. you hold your best friend. it's one day past the sixth anniversary of your mother's death.
he did not understand this. when you begged clemency, he lied. then he dropped your dreams against the floor.
April 17th. your college friend is in town. he raises a hand to you - it's the first time in two years - and promptly steps into a pot hole. you turn away, laughing helplessly. when he reaches for you in the car, you're taken aback. was he always this warm?
the 18th. you're driving him back. the road home is a lonely one.
May 1st: six years since the last time he saw you. you meet at Starbucks. how do you distill si
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
i’ll hold this in my heart,
and wait for you to fall apart.
i’ll place all my dreams
on the headboard of the bed
you’ll never own.
let’s burn the house, darling
set fire to the photographs
of the children you said you’d name.
let the cold idaho winds
take all the words you’d whispered
about love and dedication
away from here, and away from me.
and wasn’t i the fool
to think i was safe from heartache
just because i was the first
everything you’d ever
said you wanted.
first time you’d held someone’s hand.
the sensation kept overstimulating you-
“let’s just take it slow,” i whisper.
first kiss in a cold parking lot
walking to your brother’s car,
hand in hand, totally unexpected.
first time in a girl’s bedroom
and you sit on my floor, too
shy to look around, really.
first plane ticket to see someone
you were with - it was the same for me.
south carolina was never so pretty as it was then.
and you said
:iconebony-tiger:Ebony-Tiger 0 0
I will not apologize.

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Hello -

So much has happened. I don't know how to feel about it all.
But that's okay. January will see things settled, I am sure.

I'll update this once I've worked through some things.

Hope all is well.
- E.T.


Artist | Student | Varied
United States
Check out my gallery folders if you'd like. Also:
Scraps: I actively put work in there, so I'd love for people to check it out. Don't let the name "scraps" mislead you.
I blur the line between poetry and prose

Status: Not looking.

[don't forget to b r e a t h e]



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chloeeuphemissoledad Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for that fave on Loner! I don't write a lot and I don't have any patrons who do love my works, but these little actions make me happy. Thanks a lot!
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Aliuh Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2016
Thank you for adding me to your watch list!  I appreciate it. :)
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Lucky-LB-Artz Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2015  Student Artist
Thank you for the favourites! :D If you're interested, take a closer look to my gallery or watch me for more works of mine <3 yay 
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natehillyer Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you for the favorite on Inktober 4. It's good to know that my artwork resonates with people. All the best! -Nate
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hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2015  Professional Writer
Hello! :wave: Thank you for the :+fav: on "Playground Romance!" :iconheartblueplz:
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